Notes from the Subconscious: 

A Memoir by Daniel de Jesús

Introduction

As I set out to document my journey through the creation of each album since 2006, I find myself unsure if what I'm writing is truly a memoir. Nevertheless, I am compelled to capture the myriad emotions and experiences that have shaped my artistic evolution. At the heart of it all lies my identity as a songwriter—a path I embarked upon with no expectations, drawn in by the sheer thrill of crafting music and the exhilaration of performing.

Songwriting became my sanctuary, a realm where vulnerability mingled with metaphor, allowing me to explore ideas too elusive for verbal expression. Looking back on each album, I recognize songwriting as a healing art, though delving into the depths of my psyche can be a daunting task, shrouded in darkness.

Yet, amidst the shadows, I found myself surrounded by an abundance of light—remarkable individuals, talented artists, supportive family, and cherished friends. Collaborations abounded, some fleeting, others enduring, each leaving an indelible mark on my creative journey.

Through the lens of mysticism, spirituality, and the quest for sexual freedom, I wove together a tapestry of music reflective of my environment, upbringing, and core values. Each album served as an intimate journal, offering a glimpse into the labyrinth of my soul.

Though uncertain if this collection will ever find its audience, I am compelled to preserve the genesis of these songs, lest they fade into oblivion. For my own sake, I pen these words, a testament to the passion and purpose that fuel my artistic endeavors.

As I reflect on this odyssey, one truth emerges with unwavering clarity: music is a potent therapeutic tool, and the art of songwriting, a boundless vessel for self-expression. I encourage all, regardless of musical prowess, to explore the transformative power of song—a medium that grants access to the innermost recesses of the soul.

In a world where masks are donned with each passing day, songwriting remains my sanctuary—an avenue to peel back the layers of pretense and connect with the raw essence of being. Through melody and verse, I endeavor to channel the ineffable, to touch the divine that resides within.

With deep gratitude and boundless love,

Daniel de Jesús

2006 From the Subconscious

This debut album was a music collection written in Dejesus’ teens. Triumphant in its approach to modern rock, From the Subconscious married classical stylings with soaring vocals and heavy guitar riffs. 

As I recall the beginnings of my music career, I'm transported back to my college days, a time when the notion of pursuing music professionally was but a distant dream. It wasn't until I found myself immersed in an illustration class that the seeds of possibility were sown.

I was already dabbling in songwriting and recording, albeit purely for pleasure rather than any serious endeavor. Playing in other bands felt natural, but the idea of claiming my own voice as a songwriter seemed a far-off horizon. Then came the assignment that changed everything.

Tasked with developing an illustrated album cover, I saw an opportunity to merge my passion for music with my artistic pursuits. With a penchant for watercolors, I embarked on the project, little knowing the twist fate had in store.

Midway through the assignment, the revelation struck: we were to present our music alongside the visual representation. Panic seized me as I grappled with the idea of sharing my intimate creations with my peers. Yet, with bated breath and trembling hands, I played my songs.

To my astonishment, my classmates responded with genuine enthusiasm, sparking a newfound belief in the potential of my music. Encouraged by their feedback, I dared to envision a future beyond mere hobbyism.

Fueled by newfound confidence, I crafted an elaborate CD package, adorned with my illustrations, and set out to entice local record labels in Philadelphia. Though my initial motive was to showcase my graphic design skills, fate had other plans.

Enter Ted Richardson, a figure whose portrayal as a record label owner belied the reality of his private recording studio. Despite the discrepancy, I was drawn to his enthusiasm for my music and his promise of collaboration. And so, our partnership began.

Under Ted's guidance, my songs underwent a transformation, morphing from private musings into polished tracks fit for radio airplay. "From the Subconscious," my debut album released in 2006, bore the imprint of our collaboration, blending elements of modern rock with my ethereal cellist vocals.

Yet, as the years unfolded, cracks began to appear in our professional relationship, revealing Ted's narcissistic tendencies and controlling nature. The initial thrill of collaboration waned, replaced by disillusionment and discord.

Amidst the tumult, one track stands out: "Damn." Rooted in a poignant reflection of my internal turmoil, the song encapsulated the conflict between my Evangelical upbringing and burgeoning realization of my homosexuality. It served as a conduit for emotions too complex to articulate, a window into the depths of my subconscious.

Looking back, I see "From the Subconscious" as more than just an album—it's a testament to my journey of self-discovery, a snapshot of a tumultuous period marked by longing, conflict, and the pursuit of authenticity. And though the road ahead would be fraught with challenges, this album remains a reminder of the transformative power of music and the resilience of the human spirit.

2010 - Hymns for a New Age

This demo never saw its initial manifestation of my’ first electronic album, but all of the ideas and lusciousness of the strings are captured brilliantly in this lo-fi production. An illustration of life after death, Hymns breaks down the barriers between pop and sacred music to create a vision of the netherworld that is luminous. 

In the midst of my journey away from the confines of the Evangelical Church, I found myself delving into the depths of spirituality with a newfound curiosity. It was during this period of exploration that the concept of "Hymns for the New Age" began to take shape—an album aimed at unraveling the emotional intricacies of spirituality beyond the constraints of organized religion.

As I immersed myself in research, delving into the genesis of the Bible and the history of Christianity in the United States, I confronted uncomfortable truths about the roots of the Evangelical Church. Disillusioned by its ties to racism and white supremacy, I began to distance myself from its teachings, seeking a spirituality devoid of hate and bigotry.

The songs of "Hymns for a New Age" were born from this tumultuous period of introspection, inspired by a vision of a future where spirituality transcends doctrine and division. I yearned to explore the emotional resonance of spirituality, free from the confines of liturgical traditions and the dogma of organized religion.

As I grappled with my own identity as a queer individual, I pondered the intersection of faith and sexuality, witnessing the struggles of others in reconciling their beliefs with their true selves. In envisioning a new future of divine experience, I sought to create hymns untainted by politics, racism, and homophobia—a testament to the inherent beauty of the human spirit.

Sonically, "Hymns for a New Age" existed as a raw and unpolished demo, a reflection of the constraints of time and resources. Recorded in the humble confines of my Philadelphia apartment, with nothing more than a SM57 microphone and a small Mbox attached to my laptop, the album exuded a lo-fi sensibility. Yet, amidst its rough edges, there lay a jubilance in the strings and a newfound confidence in my vocals, as I pushed myself to new heights of virtuosity.

Though "Hymns for a New Age" may have been left unfinished, it remains a testament to my ongoing journey of self-discovery and spiritual exploration. It stands as a reminder of the power of music to transcend boundaries and illuminate the path to a more inclusive and enlightened future.

2011 Music For Interior Castles

"Music for Interior Castles" stands as a pivotal moment in my musical journey—a departure from the autobiographical musings that had previously defined my work. It was a venture into uncharted territory, a foray into the realm of historical narrative and spiritual exploration.

The genesis of this project can be traced back to a moment of artistic revelation—a viewing of Simon Schama's "Power of Art" series, where the masterworks of Bernini left an indelible mark on my creative psyche. In particular, his breathtaking interpretation of Saint Teresa of Avila ignited a curiosity within me, leading me to delve into her life story with fervent fascination.

As I delved deeper into the life of Saint Teresa, I found myself captivated by her journey—a journey marked by fervent faith, divine revelation, and the unyielding pursuit of spiritual truth. Her writings, steeped in mysticism and introspection, offered a glimpse into a world beyond the confines of conventional understanding—a world where the divine intersected with the human in profound and ineffable ways.

Inspired by her story, I embarked on a multifaceted project—a marriage of visual art, music, and performance—an endeavor to capture the essence of Saint Teresa's spiritual odyssey through the lens of my own creative vision.

Immersing myself in her writings, particularly "La Vida," I found myself drawn to her humility, her self-effacement, and her unwavering devotion to her faith. In her words, I saw reflections of my own struggles with self-doubt and repression—a shared journey of grappling with the complexities of identity and belief.

Yet, as I poured myself into this project, I found my vision overshadowed by the ambitions of others—namely, Ted Richardson, whose motivations veered far from the spiritual exploration that had initially inspired me. What began as a deeply personal endeavor soon became entangled in the web of his narcissism and manipulation—a stark reminder of the perils of creative collaboration.

Despite the obstacles, "Music for Interior Castles" took shape—a testament to resilience, determination, and the transformative power of artistic expression. With the contributions of talented musicians like Darren Keith and Brett Keller, the album blossomed into a rich tapestry of sound—a testament to the enduring legacy of Saint Teresa and her profound impact on my creative journey.

One track in particular, "Divine Rapture," stands as a testament to the emotional resonance of Saint Teresa's story—a poignant exploration of her mystical experiences and the divine ecstasy that consumed her soul. Through music, I sought to capture the essence of her spiritual journey, inviting listeners to embark on a transcendent odyssey of their own.

In the end, "Music for Interior Castles" was more than just an album—it was a testament to the power of art to transcend boundaries, bridge divides, and illuminate the human experience. And though the road to its creation was fraught with challenges, it ultimately emerged as a beacon of hope—a testament to the enduring power of creativity to transform pain into beauty and darkness into light.

2015 The Mask

"The Mask" stands as a testament to a tumultuous period of my life—a time marked by the relentless pursuit of artistic expression amidst personal turmoil and existential questioning. Following the release of "Interior Castles," I found myself grappling with the daunting task of producing a follow-up album. Yet, amid the chaos of touring with Rasputina and the relentless demands of daily life, finding the time and energy to craft a cohesive body of work proved challenging.

As the years passed, the pressure mounted, and the specter of creative stagnation loomed large. I toyed with the idea of collaborating with others to bring my vision to life, but fate had other plans. In 2014, I found myself seeking refuge in the home of Melora Creager, a fellow musician whose battles with mental illness were beginning to surface in alarming ways.

As I bore witness to Melora's struggles, grappling with the complexities of her condition, I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness. Her erratic behavior, marked by delusions and paranoia, left me reeling, grappling with a sense of unease and uncertainty. Though I longed to offer support, the weight of my own precarious financial circumstances and fear of her erratic actions left me feeling powerless.

Amid the chaos and uncertainty, music emerged as my lifeline—a sanctuary amidst the storm. "The Mask" became my refuge, a fantasy world of my own creation where I could escape the harsh realities of the world and find solace in the beauty of my imagination. It was a labor of love, a testament to my resilience and determination to forge ahead in the face of adversity.

For the first time in my career, I took the reins of production into my own hands, crafting a polished and meticulously curated piece of art. I navigated the challenges of self-production as best as I could, emerging with a body of work that reflected a fantastical and childlike tone.

One song from the album, "The Boy Made of Plastic," lingers in my memory—a poignant reflection on the desire to transcend the limitations of humanity and find solace in the embrace of something immutable. It speaks to the inherent desire for escape, the longing to cocoon oneself from the tumult of the human experience—a sentiment that resonates deeply with my own journey of self-discovery.